Perspective

Sept 23 2012

We went to MD and saw a little town. Had lunch. Went to Annapolis. Took pictures of the Naval Academy (while my Air Force husband booed) and too many doors. And we made a promise to go back. But we haven't. Because little did we know, as this picture was taken, I was very sick and life was about to change.

I got diagnosed with AML by treatment that next week . By treatment means it is a secondary cancer to my my orignal cancer, years ago. And so it became. Chemo. Radiation. Hair loss. Weight loss. Friendships lost. Friendships gained. And I survived. I had surgery and lost some female plumbing.  I got to a good place and had an autologous stem cell transplant on 10/10/13. A few short weeks late we got a double whammy. My cancer was in my liver and lungs and my husband was deploying. More chemo.

I reached my 100 day mark post transplant. And tonight , not feeling well, I had a moment while folding laundry

This pile really speaks about the last 16 months. Loose pants with drawstrings. Easy off , easy on, drawstring only. Pajamas. I lived in them. Button tops to reach my port. Tee shorts and sweatshirts. Layers. Chemo and losing female parts made for fun hormones and hot flashes. SOFT tanks. Easy port access and some days the only thing that could touch my skin. And my sicks, My beloved fuzzy socks. I still love them, but when I was weak and cold I got sent a lot with grippers. That helped a lot. Not pictured is the blanket that was so warm. Or my favorite pillow. Or my iPad filled with games and music.

There are parts of this journey that were awful and I am glad that they are over. Carrying bags everywhere in case I got sick. Wearing pull ups because again, you never know. The moment when your hair falls out in clumps.

There are parts of this journey that will stay with me forever. My husband was amazing. Stood by me thick and thin. The friends who just showed up and helped. Didnt ask, just did. The relationship with my parents and my sister are forever changed, for the better. The faith I found when I was sure I was done. The strength I tapped into more times the I can count. The friends who listened to me cry and held me.

And the things that are silly that I am having to have back. Hair bands. Everywhere. Good shampoo. Because, really, when you have no hair, spend 99 cents. Not $4.

Things I will be happy to never see again. A boost or ensure. A zofran tablet. Or reglan . Or any anti nausea meds.

My journey isnt over. Remission isnt reached yet and we have hit another obstacle. But, I have so much to look forward to it . And I plan to live life with a new perspective. To worry less. To smile more. To let it all go and just live, a little more. Be in the moment. Say I love you and mean it.